Sometimes I
by Kyoka-BOO
Summary: A rather odd activity brings Fuji to remember. Sometimes, it is better if one does not remember. Lingering thoughts can only relate back to a love long lost. [One Shot TezukaxFuji]


Author's note: After a long time I've finally managed to produce this one shot. I feel guilty that I couldn't do anything with my stories. Be forgiving; this is my first Prince of Tennis fanfiction, and I did my best to make them both in character. If they aren't, I'm sorry. As always, I MOST APPRECIATE YOUR REVIEWS. I don't want absolute praise, rather constructive criticism. I want to know what you thought.

Edit: I completely forgot any sort of disclaimer. All credit goes to those accredited. Now everyone knows who created Prince of Tennis. What about the quotes. The following people, in order, are the ones accredited towards any of the quotes used here. Also, I used dialouge similar or identical to that in episode 175 in part of this.

Credits go to:

Paul Varley

Erma Bombeck

Henry Austin

Edmund Burke

Robert Frost

* * *

**Sometimes I...**

Sometimes I dream, Tezuka, perhaps foolishly. My head plays out the scene bit by bit, as if it's put on frame-by-frame. I am a mere bystander as my memories continue to flicker past my eyes, merely silver threads that cannot be touched. Even when at this moment you really wish that time would stand still, it doesn't as if there is somebody who wants to spite you. Only when you want it to last do days turn to seconds; only when you are in utter agony does time stand still. It stands still only to prolong the pain, to make you squirm and beg for it to be over.

"The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be."

Was it at one time that I finally decided you and I couldn't share our future? I thought not. Once I had been able to face it with a straight face, my smile intact. Somewhere along the line my plans had blurred. For the shortest fraction of a second, I couldn't imagine a life without Tezuka-kun, the person whom I had grown to be friends with, the person who had most tested my strength. Somewhere along the line, I had grown to love Tezuka-kun perhaps more than life itself. All of it blurred, and time laughed at me again as if to say "Ha ha, I win!"

It wasn't that I couldn't take losing. That was quite the opposite; since I had put on a brave face and been able to forfeit before if something ever happened. However, a loss to something so fickle as time I could not understand. Why and how exactly had I lost out? I didn't even know _what _I had lost. How ironic, that people say time is all answering and all knowing. Sometimes it seems like the opposite. Time is a mystery, no question about it. Perhaps it would be a bit possessive, and defiantly outdated to say time had taken Tezuka away from me. Fairness did fall in the statement that we had grown apart over time. In ways, time was everything.

Fuji Shuusuke. Time has changed so much since the days of Seigaku. I no longer play tennis seriously; I am a college student who spends his time coaching in tennis, rather. There was once a time in which I was sure I'd pursue a professional career in tennis. I'd imagine Tezuka expected that he would as well. Here I am, a man just slightly younger than twenty-one. No, I'm not pursuing a professional tennis career. I'm attending a good university studying medicine and hoping to be able to go to America in a few years' time. This rather annoying sheet, lying before me on the desk, is filled with miscellaneous quotes I am to interpret. Always, I wondered if that philosophy class was necessary. Now I obviously know I shouldn't have taken it.

"Nothing has changed you," some would say. To most, I am the same Fuji they knew. Little of my personal experiences ever affected me because I only got violent when someone else was threatened. I can still go on, smiling. You want to hear something, though? Would it satisfy you if I said that you've changed me, Tezuka? I hope it would, because you have. I resent it greatly.

Time only holds still when you are in great pain. Even then, there's no delaying it. The ticking of that kitchen clock will always remind me. Death is inevitable. People pass, and life goes on. If the minute hand keeps moving so fast I'll surely go crazy. But at all the time, I want to rush it.

God forbid…

What has gotten into me?

Oh well, on to the next quote.

"Dreams only have one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."

Hm…. I always thought that people could share dreams. The tennis club for instance; we all shared a common goal in general. What was this supposed to mean? Would it be a wrong answer to say I don't agree with this quote?

My memories take me back to a specific snowy day. We're younger; we're still in Junior High. So cold… It's cold enough for me to wear a coat today. I can even see my breath. The brisk, cool weather is enjoyable, though. I'm waiting outside the hospital for Tezuka. Concern floods me as I remember his arm. The match from first year haunts me, and I would hate to see Tezuka in such a condition again. My fault… It had been my fault because I challenged Tezuka I was angry; Tezuka had known he could've hurt his arm. Why was it that his health always came last? Is it that he just doesn't think? No… Tezuka's always been intelligent.

Three years in Junior High, and I'd come to respect him. That had happened to him, to. Never, really, had I expected that I'd grow so close to him, though. Over the years the whole team had grown close. I could smile around them all, and laugh happily. They were my friends and we cared for each other. That day it began to snow, I felt a connection between him and I. Perhaps I always knew, knew that I was gay and I liked him. Maybe…

"I see; it was only a checkup."

His conversation was terse, but it was his way. I've always dreamt, wondered, and thought. Naturally, I'd ask him about it. That might've just been the way our conversation went that day.

"I don't like to daydream." It was his terse response. Maybe that was why he never seemed lonely. To never hope and to never dream would ensure you'd never be disappointed. However, how could Tezuka be exempt from that? I mean, he was human, too. Naturally, he wasn't. I just wonder sometimes, wonder if Tezuka thinks of me as I think of him, probably not. I just smile and trot alongside him, my pace even with his.

_I feel as though I could climb to any height with you._

What a silly thought. Tezuka left me empowered, to say the least. It wasn't a lie, that the effect he instilled in me will be everlasting. That one game was enough to change a lifetime no matter how it went.

"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else."

I showed you my dreams once, Tezuka-kun. Darning, of course, wasn't something that I exactly had in mind. In fact, it happened unsuspected. "Tezuka-kun," My voice was always so carefree off courts. I trailed behind him and slowed my pace as I caught up to him. Always, he surveyed me with his neutral look. IT was the one thing that sometimes drove me past the brink of sanity. He'd always been so stoic; usually I never thought about it. Sometimes I wondered why. I hand it over, and he nods. Usually he wouldn't be so careless. After all, he is always the person telling everyone else not to let their guard down.

Thunder. The sky's full of clouds. Hours ago, it had been clear blue and puffy white clouds that framed the atmosphere, and it hadn't been in the weather predictions that there was to be rain. Since I hadn't been expecting it, I of course hadn't brought an umbrella. I wouldn't suspect Tezuka would have, either.

We converse pleasantly. Usually it's that we go in the same direction, so this is nothing different from routine. A slight silence lasts long enough between us to hear the winds breath. It whispers to me, and I look over at Tezuka. He's been looking at me, but it's nothing different from usual. He's just observing, and there's nothing wrong with that. Under the calm gaze my smile doesn't falter; always, I've felt safe around him.

I've always wondered about you, Tezuka. That is, if for some reason we may ever end up as more than friends.

That's a bad thought to be thinking. For all I know, he still is with that boyfriend of his. _You don't know that I know, Tezuka…_Yet I do, and I sometimes wonder about it. I don't believe you'd ever tell me about him, though, at least not in a straightforward manner. Would it have been courageous to tell him there and now that I wondered? Wondering, in essence, was only wishful thinking. It was like my daydreams; Tezuka had enough sense not to daydream, yet hear I was wallowing in fantasies. Does it really hurt, though? Inklings of my curiosity must've shown my face. Not enough to show what I was thinking, of course, but enough that I could fell your gaze towards me change slightly.

And unconsciously, I shiver.

As if on cue the rain comes in a downpour. Curse forgetting my umbrella now… We're getting absolutely soaked now. Let's see, my house is closest. Would you mind coming over, Tezuka? He's still stoic even with the lightning, thunder, and roaring wind. Of course, so am I. It's not like there's much to be afraid of.

"Do you want to stop at my house, Tezuka-kun?" I call over the roaring wind. My voice doesn't carry. Rather, it's whisked away by the wind itself. Somehow Tezuka seems to hear me. At least, I have his attention. "You can dry off and maybe my dad can give you a ride. If not, I'll walk the rest of the way with you with an umbrella." He nods, and for some reason a sickening happiness creeps through me.

"Sure," he replies.

We're dripping by the time I reach my front door step. The door's locked when I try and get in, but I have a set of house keys my parent's gave to me upon entry of Junior High. It's dark inside, no sign of life anywhere. It isn't much of a surprise. Both my mother and my father work; my little brother has obligations after school as well. My sister? Well, I don't know about her. Tezuka waits at the front door while I get towels for each of us, taking a quick moment to get a pair of dry clothes for myself. I toss a towel to him so he can dry off. I'll have to end up walking him home. It doesn't really matter. That doesn't necessarily mean we can't stick around the house for a while. In ways, I want to stall. I may have homework to do, but it's still lonely around here when it's so quiet.

"I apologize if I can't make really good tea." I've never been the one who needed to make the tea for the guests, so I'm highly inexperienced. My mother always used to do it. It isn't like I don't know how to make it, though. Tezuka shakes his head as I scramble about the kitchen. "Whatever's fine." Since I'm not used to making the tea, I'm rather clumsy at the task. However, it isn't like I'm not able to make something drinkable. Mother has a trick to making tea; her tea's popular with guests. Maybe one day I should ask her how exactly she makes it. Observations can only get one so far.

Tezuka has been using the towel I lent him to dry of his wet hair. He seems like the lucky type of person who dries off quickly. Although his clothes still cling to his skin a little, he's dry enough to the point that he can sit on the couch without getting it wet. Outside, the storm rages without mercy. Where are my sister and brother? Where are my mother and father? Surely, they weren't here. It was getting late, and I was beginning to wonder a little. After all, even with Tezuka here the house is eerie. Tezuka doesn't make much conversation. In a way, it's almost like having a shadow that's escaped from under your feet, giving you a plain and calculating look. Sure, it's not exactly that I dislike his silence. It gets unnerving sometimes, though. I don't think there's anything that could make me squirm more than a simple gaze from him, not words nor threats nor actions.

Upon accepting the cup of tea I hand to him, we migrate to sit on the couch. Really, I've never had Tezuka over at my house before. We've known each other for three years. Three long years, and here he is just a month or so before we're to graduate Junior High. Part of me wonders if we'll go to high school together. Part of me says no, but part of me hopes we will. I don't ask Tezuka about it because I know he'll just reply with something similar to "I don't like to daydream." The silence between us doesn't need words, though. I'm fine sitting with Tezuka. The sickening happiness is hinted by something deeper. My regular expression didn't falter, but I shifted a little to look at Tezuka. He's normal, staring down at the cup of tea he holds.

I must've been zoning off; Tezuka's deep voice catches me off guard. "How much longer will it be until we leave?" Perhaps it sounded rude, because a moment later he added "It isn't wise for me to intrude for long, especially when your parents aren't home." Vaguely, there is a nod of response. I get a detached feeling, like I don't have much control over my own actions. Biting my lip, I frown. My vision seems a little blurry, and I have my hands all to forcibly folded in my lap. My shreds of remaining composure keep my breathing from being choppy or my eyes seeming panicked. Deep down, though, my heart beats fast, and I feel rather hot. Really, I wouldn't like to assume I can sit still much longer.

Your gaze must've been compelling that day, Tezuka. My breath catches in my throat when you look at me. Slight hints of curiosity echo through your eyes, and it only seems to intrigue me. Then again, I've always acknowledged the fact that your eyes were very interesting, though I never would say that to you, at least not directly. Hesitantly, I set my cup on the table and look back towards you. I could've put it the horribly romantic way and said that we looked at each other like that for forever. That wasn't true. Our relationship never necessarily consisted of the stereotypical romance. Sketchy remains are all I see. We were drawn by a physical need that pulled stronger than emotional, not that we came to depend on each other when we were together. There were always the physical elements, though. When I look back, everything seems so rushed. Tezuka and I went crashing into things without even thinking back about a thing. Sometimes we'd crash through barriers painfully, only with the other as means of support. All the while, nobody ever knew. The Shusein Gakuen members never knew of our relationship. Even our families and closest friends were clueless.

The lightening causes a brief power surge. For a short while the light dims, and light is cast into the room only by lightening. The shadows cause sharp contrast on your face.

Things never seemed to go slow enough. This slowness, though… I should've prayed for it more. Never really would I have imagined for our lips to brush, casually at first. There's a soft exhale. You've made my breathing irregular, Tezuka. My heart beats out of my chest for you. Of course, you're still serious and calm. That was always what you were. I was the emotional one, and you were the stoic. Ironically, I was the one with the ability to smile. Your expression would be forever locked into a serious, keep expression. I don't know if I've ever specifically seen a smile among our time together, no matter what the situation.

We were carefully balanced like yin and yang. For your frown, there was my smile. For you "Twenty laps," there was my smile and affirmative nod. We aren't the same; no, we're quite different. Tennis is what binds us, and helps the force that pulls us together, stronger than gravity. With my calm happiness there is your slight disapproval. Two second years bicker. You frown, approach them, and as always order them to do laps. Groaning, they cease their fighting and set out to follow the orders of the captain.

I would have been careless to call it lust. That wasn't exactly what bound us. What was it then? Emotions, no, it wasn't emotions at first. Those types of things developed over time. At least… I thought that they had. I might have been wrong. If it had been love between us, then things wouldn't be like this. I wouldn't be living so painfully separate from you if we really had loved to each other.

Curiosity. That one word was enough to change it all between us.

Our lips drift dangerously close, and my outward mask falters a little. Frowning, I look down to my lap. Tezuka never falters. Never. Something about his touch annoys me. It's far too gentle, in my opinion. I am unnerved for certain. Adrenaline races through my veins when he touches my skin. It's thrilling, and frightening at the same time. This is a manifesto of the day we had to play a match in the inter-school ranking tournaments. You'd think that with me being so cautious, Tezuka would be the one to kiss me. At a time I would've expected it too. Yet it was I who leaned forward and kissed passionately, and it was I who felt the sinking feeling in my heart when at first he stiffened and hesitated. Curiosity and fear; those two were a lethal combination. My curiosity dominated, but Tezuka still seemed to be on the brink, and still unsure of what to think of our kissing.

"It's careless, jumping into something like that." Careless as it was, I can't explain how right it felt at fist. The event had triggered something between us, something unspoken. In the blink of an eye I'm on the floor and Tezuka is above me with his glasses knocked slight askew. My eyes inadvertently snap to the window. The rain has faded into a light mist. Tezuka kisses my neck and I squeeze my eyes shut. At that moment, I know it. I need him more than anything else in the world. I always will. If I had the opportunity, I think to myself, I would fade into the mist. I would fade into the mist with Tezuka, and we could be together like this forever. This feeling may be foreign, but I gladly embrace it, for it is all too natural for me to think otherwise.

Days fade into weeks. My need becomes greater, and I want him more. Now I'm so deeply attached I don't think I could be without you for more than a day. I am used to seeing you at daily tennis practice. I am absolutely addicted to the private moments and deep kisses we share. We're lovers now? Do you even acknowledge that? I suppose not…

"Do you believe in love?" I ask one day, rather offhandedly.

His eyes flick shut. I'm lying right next to him. He sits Indian style, and my head comes close to his thigh. Whatever I get is the truth; Tezuka doesn't lie, at least not to me. "No. I don't" Disappointment floods me for some reason. I want to scream it out, take you by the shoulders and shake you vigorously. There is such a thing as love! I want to tell you that over and over again. The words are stuck in my throat, and I swallow them. I look over at my hand and twiddle my fingers a little. Is it really that simple? Is our relationship just physical? Tezuka must've sensed my mild distress. He leans over and we kiss. My sadness and confusion melt away. As the world melts away I am lost in the vast and endless see. Only Tezuka is there.

Days melt into weeks, and the time flickers by. We've broken up. I've never forgotten you. I may not have been your first, but you were mine. As they say, "You never forget the power of first love." With what Tezuka has said before, I'm not so sure I could call it love. All I know is that I never will forget him.

"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen."

My eyes tear up slightly, unconsciously. Carefully, I wipe them with the back of my hand and move on to the next question. I can't answer this one just yet.

My pen scribbles across the surface. Vision blurring, I can barely read my own answers anymore. Sighting, I continue.

"Time goes, you say? Ah, no! Alas, time stays. We go."

Just when I think the clock on the wall is going to drive me crazy, the phone rings. I snap from my thoughts and hurry to answer it. It's too much like that day several years ago. The weather has turned to a light mist outside. Oh, Tezuka. If only you were here. A familiar voice sounds on the line. It's choked, the voice of Eiji. Now, amazingly we all kept in contact, the Seigaku regulars, although we did our own thing.

"It's Tezuka." My lips press together firmly in a thin line. How long has it been since I've heard that name outside my thought. A year? Two years? It seems like an eternity. Eiji is crestfallen, and I fell guilty for jumping to the conclusion that Tezuka and Eiji are in an affair. It's awfully rude of me, but what else could be upsetting him so much? He and Tezuka obviously had a fight, and Eiji was calling for advice. Somehow, though, it must've been my bad luck that changed it.

"Everyone else wanted me to call you." Eiji's voice sounds choked now, and my annoyance turns to concerned. 'Everyone else', what does he man by that, exactly? My concern goes further when he continues. "There's been an accident. He was hit by a car… He's at the hospital, but there's not much they think they can do for him." My breath catches in my throat, so much like that day when Tezuka first kissed me. It hurts, though. I'm on the verge of tears and I can barely breathe.

How unexpected. I seize that sheet of stupid quotations, as if it was the source of the bad luck. It's damp and wet outside. I'll get soaked if I'm out there too long. Somehow, though, it seems like a tribute to Tezuka to go out on the porch at least. I have the address to the hospital and will be going to visit him later. For now, I push open the sliding glass door and step outside.

Life is sometimes like a rainstorm. The rain comes, and it washes away. My eyes flash sorrow up to the sky, and anger towards whoever hurt Tezuka, whether by accident or intention. The cold was biting, but I don't care. It smells of renewal, but I refuse to be part of it.

My fists are clenched and a sobs finally escapes my throat. I love you Tezuka, and I want to be able to kiss you once more. _If only you knew how much I loved you. Surely then I could convince you that love is real, and we were made to be. _There is no more "made to be", though. Within a few days, Tezuka Kunimitsu will be dead, and the last remnants of our relationship will cease to exist. This time, I only cast one more look at the page. There's one question left I haven't answered, and the quote makes me sob again.

"Life is like a series of collisions with the future; it is not the sum of what we have been, but what you yearn to be."

You've driven me crazy; Tezuka, and you've dragged me down with you. Is this what you wanted all along? Finally, I will fufill that promise I made long ago. We will fade into the mist, Tezuka Kunimitsu. Nothing will ever come between us.

I will see you on the other side of the mist.

Sometimes I wonder... What exactly would've happened if we were still together...

Sometimes I wonder... What would happen if you loved me...

Sometimes I wonder... When exactly will we meet again?

Ripped pieces of my homework flutter into the breeze, and I exhale.

Good-bye… Tezuka…


End file.
